In relationships of every kind, intimate partnerships and otherwise, people often get stuck at the very first step: noticing they have a feeling. Say your partner spent money you weren't expecting. You want to talk about it, but you don't want to hurt their feelings. You don't want to create conflict or start a fight. Maybe, you tell yourself, you should just let it go.
So nothing gets said. Your partner never hears about it, and they're having their own experience of the situation. From the outside, nothing happens, except that the partner who noticed the feeling and didn't address it keeps quietly adding to the resentment bucket.
Talking about talking is one of many tools that can help here. Instead of holding back, and instead of jumping straight into the issue itself, what I call the ‘content’, you can take a step back from the ‘content’ and talk about talking.
It might sound something like this: '“Something’s been on my mind, and every time I think about bringing it up, I get nervous. I’m not sure you’re up for a heavy conversation right now. You’ve had a long day and I don’t want to pile on. And honestly, I really hate fighting. Part of me feels like if we disagree, something’s wrong.”
Instead of talking about the content, you talk about the feelings that come up around raising it. And that creates a container. You're going to someone who loves and cares about you and saying, “I'm in distress. Can you help me? Can we talk about my feelings?”
Imagine being on the receiving end of that. For most people, it creates a pull toward the other person: of course I want to help. They're coming to me with their feelings, and that's vulnerable. I want to understand what's going on. I want to give them a hug, and sit next to them to collaborate on how to bring ease to their suffering.
That energy, that presence and groundedness, is exactly what we're looking for in difficult emotional conversations. Without a container that helps both people orient toward the feelings before moving into the hard part, we tend to stay stuck, avoid the conflict altogether, or reach for any number of other strategies that never address the underlying issue; connectedness.
Use talking about talking to establish feelings of connectedness before navigating more complex discussions.